what a difference...

...a year can make.

I've spent many holidays alone. It's old hat, and really doesn't bother me much. I'm not someone who finds "alone time" difficult. Typically, I enjoy it.
Even so, on most of these solitary occasions I have made a wish that it be the last holiday spent alone. This evening as I glanced up at the digital clock on Courtney and Krystle's stove (I have an uncanny knack for looking at the clock at precisely 11:11) I found myself making this virtually automatic wish.
But this isn't my first holiday alone, and in all likelihood it won't be my last.

This year I've undergone a tremendous amount of change and (hopefully) growth. My perspective on "alone," and on relationships, has changed.

Since I was very young, as young as 10 or 11, I've had a terrible aching. A desperate, empty longing for something. For someone. It felt as though a vital part of me was missing.
I had been born incomplete.
And I was desperately searching for that missing part. Frantically seeking this other half, this person, this partner, this soul mate who would make my life (and me) feel complete.
A tragic romantic from the age of 11 (I was emo before emo was cool), I spent years writing to my future partner. Offering all my promises.

For nearly 20 years, it has been my foremost thought. My utmost goal! My all-consuming quest. I was always looking, and always feeling that empty burning inside. In that place where she was supposed to be.

When I awoke from anesthesia on August 15, something miraculous had happened. Something I never could have expected. Though I awoke missing a very real, vital part of myself... I no longer felt like something was missing.
Though I was now actually incomplete...
I was no longer incomplete.
For the first time I can remember, I felt whole.

And suddenly, I didn't want to date. I didn't want or need to look. I didn't feel the desperation or the endless aching need. Things felt very different.

Though having a partner is still one of the things I envision and very much want for my life, it's no long a matter or life and death. Happiness or misery. I won't die if it doesn't happen, or happen soon. My life won't even suck without it.

What happened? Why the change?
Why did I go from going through girls like water to not wanting to date? What the hell happened to me on that table?

Recently I went to a party with a friend- a girl I was dating prior to my surgery. It was reminiscent of the fun college house parties that made my freshman year the best of my life, but even better: with adults (read: more stimulating conversation and less vomit).
There was a moment when I was standing with Sarah and a couple of new acquaintances, listening to them discuss their world travels. Sarah was talking about her year teaching in Amman, and the other were saying sentences like "Well, when I lived in Jordan..." and "It reminds me of living in Azerbaijan when..." I sipped my Sam Adams Chocolate Bock and looked around, having entirely nothing to contribute.
I don't have any stamps in my passport, or even a passport to be stamped. I don't speak five languages like Sarah does. I don't know much about the political climate of anywhere, even the US. I don't know who the president of Georgia is or what language they speak. I don't even know where it is (by Russia??). But instead of feeling self-conscious and out of place and uncouth as I would have in years past, I felt... secure. I smiled to myself, taking inventory of the things I do regularly and have done recently.
I just gave a stranger an internal organ. I'm a fairly accomplished artist. I'm writing a book that I think will be something special. I spend five days a week getting criminals to cry about their childhoods, talking very intimately to people I would never otherwise cohort with. I get tattoos and play with dogs and go to Buddhist lectures and put a lot of energy into being a good friend.
I'm kinda cool.
At that moment I was able to see how my self-esteem has changed.

Having more self-esteem has changed my needs. Or, at least it has changed the urgency of them. The voraciousness of them. I'm no longer at their mercy.

Last week my therapist asked me if I was dating.
I of course said no, and commented that when I tell people this they look at me with sadness. Pity! As though something must be wrong. If I'm not dating, it must mean I don't think much of myself, or I'm hurt, or I'm disillusioned with love. I laughed, explaining how this couldn't be further from the truth. "I've probably never been as healthy as I am right now." The biggest sign of my health, at least right now, is that I'm not dating. I don't even have the desire.
"I just don't feel the urgency," I said. "I know she's out there. I know she's coming. I'm sure of it. She's doing whatever she needs to do right now, and she'll get here when she's supposed to. It will be someone who deserves me, and I'll deserve her."
"She's on her way. I can't rush her."
My therapist smiled a genuinely happy smile, thankfully avoiding the "Awwwwww" she was stifling.

I know that the things I want are unique and difficult to find. I know it will take a while. When our wildly wandering paths finally cross, we can only hope that we fall into step together and are able make the rest of our journey in tandem. Side by side.

She will be someone who wishes to know me, in the deepest possible sense, badly enough to put forth the effort. She will have a brilliant mind that challenges me and an intelligence that compliments mine in a way that makes us feel like we can conquer the world. She will have a power all her own... a tranquil, harnessed passion for her work and interests and, hopefully, for me. She will be sure of herself and sure of me. She will forgive the worst parts of me and love me as I struggle to change them. She will sit in meditation with me and engage with me in tantric sex. She will make me wonder what I thought was love all those times before.

I will be open to criticism and her gentle urging. I will do all I can to not let us fall into the traps that befell my relationships past. I will care for her emotions and be her safe space. I will be the solid pillar when her world is turned upside down. My arms will always be open and always be comforting. I will support her dreams and do all I can to assist her in realizing her goals. I will accompany, if she wishes, when she leaves to follow her bliss. I will give her space if she wishes for space. I will share my life and all I have with her. For the rest of my life, half of every slice of bread I'm given will be hers. Fifty cents of every dollar I earn. I will care for her as I care for myself, and hopefully improve the care of both. I will care for her like what she is - family.

To tell the truth, my feelings on love and devotion haven't changed. I'm still the hopeless romantic I've always been. While love should never ask you to hurt yourself or suffer, I'm sure I would go to any lengths to keep something that was real. If it were to be with her or protect her, I would still walk through fire.
But here, now, by myself... alone in this bed... I'm still whole. I still have a whole life to lead. I still have a thousand things to see and experience. A thousand places to go, countless things to learn. I'm not going to sit around and wait. I'm not going to worry about it.

Someday my prince(ss) will come.