taking refuge

I've always joked that maybe if I'm good enough in this life, I'll be reincarnated as a Buddhist.

I fancy myself pretty clever.
I've always written off the possibility of truly converting to Buddhism, stating that it all seemed "too hard." My internal dialogue said I wasn't "good enough" to hold myself to such a standard. "I'm not even a good Jew," I would say, having been raised a brand of Messianic Jewish that was technically classed in cultdom, "and I'm an even worse Christian." I admired Buddhists from afar, awed by their texts and lifestyles.
I knew Buddhism was the "correct" choice when I first heard someone say: keep your religion, if it works for you, keep doing it!
I was aghast! A religion that doesn't denounce all others?? A spirituality that doesn't threaten and shame the lost into conversion? A faith that was not dogmatic, and is not proclaiming that it alone is the one and only true path to salvation?!
It was so refreshing it was startling. And unnerving.
I set it aside. "Maybe some day I'll be good enough to be a Buddhist," I said.

Having, of course, realized that I was never "not good enough" to practice Buddhism... I find no other excuse to avoid this higher standard. It is hard, yes. Very hard. But too hard? Unlikely. Suffering and wandering through life without direction or meaning... that is hard. Too hard for me (to want to continue doing it, anyway).

The term "taking refuge" makes my heart feel warm and heavy. I can't imagine a term better, or so full of imagery.

I have sought refuge from the storms of my life in therapy and alcohol, self-help books and medication, friends and writing, nature and learning, art and love, the arms of loving partners and the arms of anyone available. All were temporary, mortal shelters that made the rain and sleet more bearable but did little to quell the roaring winds that battered my soul like ruthless, armored giants.

I study blueprints and carry stones one-by-one from the quarry. Building has begun. And refuge awaits. A haven in which all are welcome but none are needed.

I think it may be time.