having while being

I've been desperate to write.
To sit down and put into words my fear/plans/hopes/desires/shortcomings. I need to write down all of the things that I intend to do and need to do, lest I somehow forget them. It seems insane to think that I would, but I clearly have before.
The following are the things I want from myself:

I want to not feel insecure when I look in the mirror. Or angry. Or confused at the person I see. If I look down and see a beer belly or stretch marks or pooch where there "shouldn't be" a pooch... I won't grit my teeth in disgust. I won't feel insecure and wonder if the weight I've gained will hinder me in finding a partner. I will hush my emotions and listen to my rational mind.
I will be grateful for this faithful and healthy vessel. This body that feels pleasure and heals quickly from pain and injury. These loving arms that are strong and painted and faithful. I will love what I have- all that I have- and not work on making it less. Only better.

I want to be aware of my finances, and able to responsibly manage my money. I want to be aware of every cent - with a healthy awareness and not a panicked obsession. I want to steadily improve upon my debt and therefore upon my future. I want to be more free from the shackles of money, and more detached from it emotionally.

I want to maintain my friends and hobbies and personal loves while in a relationship. I want to let myself be reminded why I love Boston, and experience something new and beautiful on a regular basis. I want to go out just to go out. I want to search out new friends and be the kind of friend that I love being. I value my sincerity, intensity, reliability, my giving nature. I want to hold my friends to the standards I hold for myself, and vice versa.

Most importantly, when I do find a love, I want to treat her like what she is: the most important thing in my life. No matter how stressed out or depressed or overwhelmed I am, I should be mindful of her role in my life and deeply appreciative. I should never treat the love of my life with less courtesy than I would give a common stranger. It doesn't matter if I've had a bad day or am feeling hurt. Yes, she is a safe place to take these feelings. But that should be honored. The fact that I have ever allowed my partner feel disrespected by me is one of the greatest regrets of my life. And it's the biggest thing I want to change about my life.

As a child I was forced to doubt every thing about myself. I was told on a daily basis that I was worthless, ugly, stupid. Most of all stupid. But I vividly remember, even as young as 12 or 13, feeling very self-assured that someday I would make a great partner. I never questioned that. I knew that I wanted it so much that I would never give it less than 100%. And I never wavered in that assuredness, even throughout all my (failed) relationships to date.

But lately I have questioned it.
I've questioned everything. Particularly my ability to be a worthy partner to another. One that is up to my own standards. I also find myself questioning the very meaning of partnership and what it means to me to be in a committed relationship. I always thought I was doing it right. That I had a "normal" concept of what a relationship should be. But I need to challenge that. I need to somehow discern what level of connectedness is healthy for two people, what is likely, and what is necessary for myself. This will require far more writing.

I've always pictured a partnership as a safe home base. As a particularly strong and intimate friendship. The friend that you can tell anything to and feel truly understood. The one you go to with any hurt or fear. Someone who sometimes reads your thoughts and loves you because of/in spite of it.
But that key friendship piece seems nearly impossible to accomplish after-the-fact. It's hard to partner and then go back to form a friendship. And, as we've already discussed, it's hard for two women to slow down the partnering process.

But I have to be able to do it. I have to be a friend before anything else. I have to relax all of those automatic behaviors. And let someone know me unapologetically as a genuine, flawed human being... instead of as someone trying to create a particular impression or force some type of connection. Someone on a job interview. Someone trying too hard.
I don't have the energy to try so hard any more. It takes all the energy I have to just be.
I just have to hope that this "being" somehow leads me to all the various things I need. There is a certain logic to it.
Lately I'm just me. Pretty anxious on the bad days and sometimes a little spastic. Someone who uses biting sarcasm when annoyed by others. Someone who looks for ways to go above and beyond at work. Clumsy and foul-mouthed (I forget not everyone works in a prison) with a big heart and a sensitive artist-type soul. Someone who has great moments of inspiration and drive but gets overwhelmed by clutter and (sometimes) change. Someone who withdraws when feeling slighted but truly believes that love will save us all. Someone who does her best to feel focused despite sometimes feeling quite lost and ineffectual. Someone who can be very funny and who tries too hard to be funny when nervous. And someone who may sometimes feel scared to look, but still wants to know everything about herself.

Someone who is struggling to find everything she needs, while pretending to know what she needs, while struggling to just be.