It has seemed curious to me how very typical my train of thought is this evening. I thought, perhaps, my mind would be on "bigger things" and to-be-expected worries. Indeed my calm has continued through today, to an almost bizarre degree, but it has not removed all the typical thoughts and worries from my head.
I am not considering the odds that I may die tomorrow. I am not in fear of the pain I will be in when I awake. I do feel a tinge of angst when I think of my recipient, and the chances of his success. But overall, I am concerned with the things that I so often consider to be "petty" fears/worries/self-conscious wonderings. Perhaps they are not as petty as I consider them to be.
In truth, I know they're not. I know that the things that occupy the most space in my brain - my relationships - are actually the most vital aspect of my existence. I call them petty in an effort to hush my needy, tireless brain. The tactic works poorly, only serving to add guilt to pile of things tiring me.
I guess there is a lesson in this.
There are no bigger things than the things that occupy our hearts, no matter how important or petty we judge them to be. There are no bigger things than the trials of our everyday lives. Today, all we have is the everyday.
I wonder what thoughts occupy his brain this evening...
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