searching for something

wading in a small, serene lake, flanked by bullfrogs and minnows.
sitting along the cool shaded bank and writing.
watching my dog wallow in the shallows.
struggling to bathe my dog.
scheduling a massage.
organic food shopping.
seeing my therapist.
finding a chiropractor.
going for midnight jogs - especially in the rain.
doing fun things for the sake of fun (like ringside wrestling seats!)
planning outings with friends.
cultivating new friendships.
meeting new people.
signing up for Jeet Kun Do and kickboxing.
adoring my home city.
finding and consuming new music.
researching Tai Chi and meditation.
meditating.
reading.
sleeping.
singing.
dog-toy shopping.
pouring myself out onto paper, drawing my thoughts with new imagination and frankness.
buying new art supplies.
taking photos and photos and photos.


These are the things I have done this week to breathe through the pain.
"Isn't it nice," my therapist says, "to know that when you feel this way it isn't going to last for weeks anymore?"

It is nice.
And even though I can be so quickly deflated, and even though I continue to struggle with many long-standing questions, I take comfort in the transiency. Things grow, feelings grow, feelings change, people grow... it's comforting.
I'm still growing.