well-worn path

Wednesday will be seven months post-surgery.
Even though things changed in ways that I'm sure are permanent, I wondered how long it would be before I began to slip.
I hope the time will come when I can manage to be in love/looking for love and also be completely focused on my own habilitation. I haven't been to temple in weeks - partly because neither Amy nor Robina are there, but that's just an excuse. I'm also lazy. I've never even met Geshe Tenley, so I can't discount his teachings.
My charitable work, aside from monetary contributions, have fallen off.
I have been fairly focused on writing - when I'm at work at least. I think I will have a copy for a select few to read by the end of the month, and that makes me feel proud. I have a long road ahead of me to get to where I want to be.
In so many ways.
I can so suddenly feel so depressed, so frustrated.
Work is going great. Dwindling but now stable caseloads provide me with actual *therapy* clients. I have some clients I love dearly, who are working very, very hard on themselves.
Am I working as hard as they are?
I'm looking at my dresser and the stack of unread books smothered beneath worn but noy-yet-dirty clothes.
Whenever I begin to formally "search" for a mate I immediately find myself aggravated and my self-esteem plummeting. I feel hopeless.
Where did my "I don't need to date, I don't need to look, she's going to come to me" attitude go? I think perhaps when I don't challenge my mind - I don't fill it with meditation and reading and exercise and friends - it daydreams. And my daydreams have always been of a partner. It's only a hair's width between daydreaming and longing.
Problems that I can't solve with determination make me uncomfortable.

It also frustrates me when I can, but continue to focus my determination in ways that will not result in any progress.
I haven't meditated since Vermont.
It's frightening how quickly my thinking shifts, falls back into old familiar ruts, when I become lax in my study.